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I'm in a loop(?)

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Aug. 26th, 2016 | 02:31 am
mood: awake

Every so often I feel like I'm in a loop. Like the film "Groundhog Day" is a factual thing for me. I'm not talking about day to day things of getting up, going to work, eating, etc. I'm talking about things outside of those. The ones that when they happen you go: "This happened to me..."

I have to move again. I just moved. Yet I have to move again. I think I move as steadily or even more steadily than someone in the armed forces.

I also have shoulder pain again. Its unnerving. I'm starting to plan to have pain, discomfort--like I am mentally paring myself for it. I didn't think I have to do this again--ever. It's going to be almost a year in a month.

I also had some extremely unfortunate cirucmstance occur--really extreme. I was in sabbatical for more than a week. I didn't come to my current place for days. I am not even the slight bit recooperated from the ordeal. It's still ongoing and I am unsure of how it'll end or what its final outcome will be. It really messed me up and it continues to do a number on me.

On that same note my shoulder surgery almost a year ago had some fallout situation transpire that messed me up pretty bad--It continues to do so. This said situation has me back to in the same situation of moving, anxiety, pain, that I was almost a year ago. I am currently in the process of rectifying but therein too lies so many questions marks--its' daunting.

I've only been gone from working overnights for less than a two years. However it feels like so much more.

I spent last night agonizing about my shoulder pain--ice pack on it and multiple pillows--I wish I had a sling.

There's so many things going on that I just want resolution for them. A resolution that is beneficial to me, because things can get resolved and the resolution of things ruin me.

The other day I was thinking about the time I was on the plane and the pilot called me on the emergency line. I calmly walked to the phone--unphased by the red blinking light that read: "Emergency." I pick up and he blurts, "get the cabin ready--15 minutes, get your tank." Click. I hung up the phone. I started the chronograph on my wristwatch and went from one end of the cabin to where my oxygen tank was. I opened the cabinet. I took out the green oxygen tank-- turned it on and slinged it across my shoulder--Placed the mask on my face. Most of the cabin was very much out of it with exception of a handful glaring at me. I picked up the intercom and began informing everyone that there was an emergency on the plane and instructed them on how to place their oxygen masks on. I relayed to them that I would be coming around the cabin demonstrating the brace position. The plane hit some trubulence--the fasten seat belt sign had already been on for some time now and people, some people were crying--shreiking, moaning, muttering but in that moment all complied. No one got up, no one asked me any questions.This all happened in less than five minutes. The hand on my chronograph ticked over to five minutes as I glanced down. I checked all the overheads--the bathrooms, the galley, secured the galley carts. The plane now began to dip. I felt like my stomach was in my brain and my brain was someelse.

I staggered over to my seat and strapped myself in as tight as I could and looked out in the cabin. Everyone was in the brace position. I began to daydream as I lifted my wristwatch my eyes--seven minutes...

Everything was shaking and the speed of the plane was increasing. I knew exactly what was happening. Eight minutes--the masks dropped.

The pilot was trying to get us to a safe altitude--It was right to have called him. I called the pilot because I heard the ominous whistling--the hissing of a dreaded insidious decompression. Of course I didn't know that at the time which is why I had called the pilot to inform of this and that I had witnessed some people whom seemed to be showing early signs of hypoxia. So I had a very educated guess. So when the pilot called me on the emergency line I knew of what could occur.

I breathed in. The pilot was on the intercom but I was focused. I had been in a car accident a couple months earlier where my car hydroplaned as I was coming to work and spun around three times before it hit the barrier of the road. I hoped that we didn't come in too hot or have an explosive decompression--crash. I thought of what I would have to do once on the ground. I knew we were not close to an airport so that was a concern. I breathed in heavy and glanced at my watch that seemed to have almost stopped. I said the Shema and Baruch Shem. Closed my eyes and exhaled as I got into the brace position. I opened them and began to reminisce about how I was hungry and how I would deal with this circumstance. It was clear pretty much after that. I had a cinematic moment--I thought it was pretty bad because it was in black and white--as in black white film. The last time that had happened I fell of my bike and was pretty bad. Everything was cinematic and in black and white. The plane was jerking, we were descending and I felt horrible. We were leveling out though. Luggage began to fall out of the overhead compartments and I could hear people screaming. The plane bounched and jolted back and more luggage waterfalled out and rolled everywhere.

I saw lights--I began to think of how much this may hurt. Then nothing...

I straightened out--"EASY VICTOR-EASY VICTOR!!" I heard over the intercom. I leaped up and opened everything--took the tank off and began barking instructions of: Get up, get out, leave items jump jump jump" as a throng of people began flowing out the plane. I began to get my hearing back as if someone was turning up the volume slowly and heard the sirens and people. After all had exited I jumped out too along with the rest of the flight crew.

That's when I started getting shaky, This is was a couple of weeks after the crash in Buffalo, NY and the whole flight 1549 from US Airways ordeal. So the thought of something horrible occuring was very vividly in my mind.

However the reason I write about this is due to the fact that this is but only one instance of my ordeal in a decompression. I had another one.

When things like this occur--I think: am I in a loop?

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